pura vida

This adventure would be amazing if it weren’t so painful.

I just have to acknowledge that it hurts! I do think it’s going to be worth it, and we are over the hump on a few items related to being in a new country, like how to cook, what roads to take (and not take!), and where to source good chocolate. The struggle is real, ok?

But the things that are paining me now are things that were paining me in Santa Cruz, just amplified. I’m not sure why I didn’t expect that, but I truly did not. Pema Chodron, a writer who has gotten me through some hard times, says: “life is a good teacher and a good friend.” Right now, I’m feeling like life may be a good teacher but it is a VERY bad friend. I guess it takes some time and perspective to appreciate life’s pedagogical tools.

UGH! The first thing is my body. Since my mid 30s, I’ve had some sort of inflammation/pain/arthritis/flare up situation. I don’t know what it is but it HURTS. In Santa Cruz I was doing all sorts of maintenance on it, both emotional and physical, to cope with the pain. I was amazed that my body did so well during our move and ADU project, and I was so proud of myself for being in control of it. UGH AGAIN! The fact that we don’t have control over anything is so hard for me to accept. Life! Why do you keep teaching me this lesson? I want to do my own thing, which involves being able to walk and use my left thumb. It’s all your fault. I hate you and I wish I was never born!!!…

Which is a perfect segue to my second painful thing, which is Vien. It’s really funny because Vien has this raw honesty … Vien will come on this blog and touch everyone’s heart, or stand up in front of a crowd and sing a song that makes everyone cry. BUT Vien is also an everyday pain in the ass. I love this kid deeply but being yelled at, having things thrown at me, trying to strategize daily (hourly?) on how to maintain boundaries and protect our other kids from all the explosive behavior is so exhausting.

When the world gives us feedback about Vien, it is usually jarring. It is a good reminder: Yes, this kid is amazing. And also: It is so hard being their parent.

My last issue might be the worst one of all, which is a bad habit of not taking good care of myself. You guys, I had gotten so good at this in Santa Cruz! I was exercising. I was going to meditation class. I had my therapist on speed dial. I took the occasional walk with a friend, and went to a pottery class. I was doing all the things you might expect a 40-something white lady in California to do. But now I’m just a 40-something white lady in Costa Rica who is dealing with meltdown city in a small house with a broken body. I can’t escape; I have nowhere to go.

Even though I just typed those words and they are very real to me, I can see the fallacy of them. I was always living in a small house with a broken body. I was always living in meltdown city. The where is immaterial, and I know I’m not stuck. The Jews in the Holocaust were stuck. Gazans are stuck. Cambodians under Pol Pot were stuck, you get the idea. I am not stuck! When I feel stuck, I just need to think and feel deeper and cast a bigger net. Do I have the resources to do this? I’m not sure, but I will certainly keep you posted!

XOXO thanks for listening. ~Ingrid